The big problem with ‘love’ is, is that people view it as a fantasy. They mistakenly capture, lust, sex, ease as the fairy tale. But what is real love….
When there are buckets of chemistry at the beginning it is easy to think ‘this is it’ but often this is actually two people who mistaken an intense, fiery connection to mean more than the true reality that this is an unhealthy bond and will almost certainly fail the test-of-time.
Some people find it very difficult to have chemistry with secure people and can only find it in unhealthy ones for example, chemistry has a lot to do with our stress response & often familiar (toxic/dysfunctional/integrated attachment triggers) relationships activate those internal responses and make us believe the following as truth…
According to relationship expert Harville Hendrix, there are three phases to relationships:
- The Ideal
- The Ordeal
- The Real Deal
So, as I want to explain it, the ideal phase is the fairy-tale part, this is the initial part when everything is wonderful. You believe their perfect for you, ‘The One’, the conversation, the hormones, the sex and so much more feels amazing. You haven’t yet noticed any ‘problems’ with your partner, the honeymoon phase.
Now that time is passing and you are spending more time together, you start to notice flaws in behaviours, looks, or personality? Does your internal defence mechanism lead you to find fault with all of the people you meet? This is now the Ordeal phase – the real world not the fantasyland.
This phase can be messy, your relationship may feel shaky and it may feel like this for a while – You may wonder if your relationship will stand the ‘test-of-time’. If you can get through this stage, you enter the Real Deal.
BUT if you believe in the fantasy of the perfect partner, have major triggers in your attachment style (especially if you are associated more with avoidance) and believe the subconscious bias here you will never make it through the Ordeal phase.
Instead, you’ll be compelled to always jump ship in search of the Ideal phase once again. The Ordeal phase can feel like hard work and a battle. You might think ‘this can’t be right’, if it were true love, it would be easy and all the things I’ve ever imagined. It would be like the movies where relationships are easy, full of happiness, sex, lust, hunger for passion and relentless excitement. There is none of the real-life stuff that takes time to build to form true loving relationships.
But anyways, that person over there (who I haven’t met yet) looks much more suitable, they must be my soulmate? Right?
And then your off. Chasing the Ideal phase again, getting the highs and floating temporarily on those fantasy clouds again. Until the Ordeal kicks in again, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
The reason we keep repeating this cycle is because even though we think we aren’t we are still being driven by our hardwiring beliefs, integrated attachment and immature-out-dated emotional conditioning from our pasts. We have not realised that the perfect partner doesn’t exist and we probably have lost diamonds while searching for stones. We behave in this way because we are afraid of real love, commitment and intimacy – it is hard to be both emotionally and physically intimate with one person. Perhaps you are able to do only one of these with a partner because the vulnerability to go here in both feels to scary?
We do this because we are disconnected from past hurt or pain and have not learned how to process this in a healthy way. It feels safer to live in a fantasyland, to keep dreaming rather than submit to the vulnerability and uncertainty of the relationship we are in. That takes risk. True love requires risk, true vulnerability and truly getting out of your own head. It involves letting go of fears; fears surrounding your parents poor relationship repeating, fears surrounding your past relationships or fears of making the wrong choice. This keeps you afraid that you will suffer like this again. Let that fear go. You can’t love anybody without risk. So ask yourself, are you getting in the way of yourself?
Often those of us with attachment wounds or low self-esteem flaw-find or find themselves wanting to change or improve their partner. Remember, you were attracted to them and their true selves at the beginning of the relationship so have a think; every time you want to fix or alter something about your partner, ask yourself what is it about me that I dislike or want to change? You need to learn to accept and love that trait in yourself or do something about it. For example, if I want my partner to do more exercise and lose weight, you have to love your own body completely and then focus on your own wellbeing & quality of diet (perhaps you have low self-esteem, body morphia or were bullied in the past for example). If you want them to be more ambitious, you need to accept that you lack get-up-and-go at times and you need to find more drive in yourself perhaps? If you stop trying to change your partner, they will stop resenting you, battling with you and you will grow together. As you hold your critical and judgemental side in check and work on yourself, you’ll become more empathetic towards your partner and they will become more willing to open up and surrender for deeper connection. Holding critical nature’s will block you from achieving true intimacy in your relationships.
So, the question is, what is real love to you?
And is your view of real-love keeping you single?
Dive into therapy, is your insecure attachment being triggered? Does this affect your opinion on those you date? Does this affect your emotional and physical intimacy with others? But you tell yourself it’s because of a logical reason when you get to a certain point down the track?
When you work with a therapist you will learn to accept that people are human, there is no such thing as perfect. Once you learn to accept people and understand that you cannot change them, it allows you to both loosen your grip, put down your own armour, love & accept yourself along with your own flaws so you can truly fall into the next stage of love – the Real Deal.
Things to think about…
- Did your first love (most likely parents) teach you that love really hurts?
- That love brings loss or pain and therefore should be avoided? So, this is why you can only ever go so far with another?
- When emotional intimacy or both emotional & physical intimacy present themselves with one person, do you come up with some excuse why it won’t work out? Have you only every been able to have physical intimacy with a partner because you haven’t truly emotionally been present with them? Or perhaps when you are finally able to be truly emotionally intimate with somebody, you struggle to me physically intimate with them too?
- The wounded child within you may be looking for the opportunity to repeat your original hurt around love. You are drawn to repeat the past over and over again. Its familiar and oddly reassuring? Is this what you truly believe you deserve, pain, loss and unhappiness?
- Ask yourself, what is real and what is fantasy? Are you actually running from vulnerability and real love in search of the ‘Ideal phase’?
- Are you disconnected from your true self? Do you use excessive habits to stop you from feeling or to punish yourself and to ultimately make yourself feel pain because that is what you think you deserve? For example, excessive exercise, eating, drinking, working, spiritual bypassing or just being very busy – task-after-task or activity-after-activity?
- Question everything with a therapist
- True triggers and emotional healing can only take place within a relationship. Remember, relationships are our biggest triggers and only truly come to light when we are in a relationship, truly reflect and think, am I in the Ordeal phase? Is this my stuff and am I trying to live in fantasyland?
Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits.
Let’s get out of the maze together!
Book your free 20 minute discovery call now.
Best wishes,
Charlie.
Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need.
We don’t need to hurt.
#relationship expert
