Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have no problem forming close relationships, have limited marriage problems; while others struggle with intimacy, dating and end in divorce? Or perhaps, why some people are fiercely independent while others are clingy and dependent? The answer to these questions may lie in attachment theory.
Attachment theory is a psychological concept that explains how we form emotional bonds with others which starts in our childhood. According to attachment theory, we all have different attachment styles which are based on our experiences with our primary caregivers during childhood and other romantic relationships throughout our lifetime.
Our attachment type is not necessarily fixed and we can change it as we have different romantic experiences. However, this being said; we do normally have a dominant attachment style. These attachment styles shape how we interact with others and how we feel about ourselves. The good news is that we can work together to move towards a more secure attachment so we are able to form healthier relationships with others. (Let’s make sure our ego’s are not clouding our judgement here, and pretending to tell ourselves that we are already secure).
Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits.
Let’s reflect…
When it comes to understanding human romantic attachment, it can be helpful to think about different “types” or styles of attachment. In the field of psychology, researchers have identified several different attachment styles that can affect how we form and maintain romantic relationships. Any experiences of abandonment, loss, or inconsistency in relationships can activate and trigger our threat systems for survival (fight, flight, or freeze) as we subconsciously feel the need to armour and protect ourselves, which ultimately affects our attachment security. This subconscious wiring has often been updated from past break ups, divorces or unhealthy push-pull relationship dynamics.
The Secure Attachment
One of the most well-known attachment styles is called “secure attachment.” If we have a secure attachment style, we tend to feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust and depend on our partners. We are also able to handle conflicts and setbacks in a relationship in a healthy way. This type of attachment is often considered the “ideal” because it allows for the most positive and fulfilling relationships. If we have a secure attachment style, we feel safe and secure in our relationships. We are comfortable being close to others and rely on them for support. We also feel good about ourselves and have healthy self-esteem. We tend to have positive relationships and good emotional regulation. We do not obsess about potentially being rejected or abandoned and feel comfortable with emotional intimacy, and can express our emotional concerns more easily.
The Insecure Attachment
On the other hand, some of us may have an “insecure attachment” style. This can manifest in a few different ways. For example, some of us may have an “anxious attachment” style, where we constantly worry about our relationship and fear rejection, abandonment and feelings of loneliness. Or we may have an “avoidant attachment” style, where we have a hard time getting close to others and may push people away.
If we have an anxious attachment, we may feel insecure and uncertain in our relationships. We may become clingy and demanding, and struggle with exploring our environment and interacting with others. We have concerns about rejection or abandonment by our partners which triggers our subconscious into seeking above normal levels of proximity and closeness to our partners. We tend to have lower levels of trust, heightened jealousy and constantly needing and seeking reciprocation of love. We tend to be less fussy when choosing partners for physical intimacy or sex and we are more likely to engage in shorter unstable relationships. We may also have difficulty regulating our emotions and have a higher risk of developing anxiety and depression. Despite our strong desire for connection, our intense fear of abandonment unintentionally sabotages the success of our relationship stability as often during conflicts, we tend to escalate the argument due to heightened distress and activation of our survival system (fight, flight or freeze) which makes us feel dejected and disappointed in the unavailability of the romantic love we seek.
If we have an avoidant attachment, we normally have an emotional distance from our primary caregivers and avoid seeking comfort or support from them. We may appear self-sufficient and independent, and struggle with relying on others or being relied upon for comfort or reassurance which causes challenges with forming close relationships and have difficulty regulating our emotions. We are experts in deactivating ourselves and programmed to deviate away from potential intimacy and vulnerability in a sabotaging way to protect ourselves from potential hurt as we subconsciously activate our survival system (fight, flight or freeze). With the most common being the flight and walking away response. We hold expectations of relationship failure or emotional rejection, so our subconscious deactivates us to prevent potential distress or disappointment before it can happen. We may hold positive thoughts around emotionless, uncommitted sex and are less likely to form committed relationships to avoid disappointment and pain which we have previously experienced from other relationships or from childhood.
It’s worth noting that these attachment styles are not set in stone, and we can change and develop different attachment styles throughout our lives. For example, someone who has had an anxious or avoidant attachment style in the past may be able to develop a more secure attachment style over time with the right support and tools.
So, why is understanding attachment styles important?
Well, for one, it can help us understand why we may have certain patterns or struggles in our relationships. Through reflection and exploration, we can become aware of our subconscious patterns and learn how to rewire our ingrained habits. Understanding this pattern can help us be more self-aware and take steps to change it.
It’s also worth mentioning that attachment styles are not limited to romantic relationships; they can also apply to other types of relationships, such as friendships, family members and even professional relationships.
In conclusion, attachment styles are a way of understanding how we form and maintain relationships. There are several different attachment styles, including secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment. Understanding one’s attachment style can help us understand patterns and struggles in our relationships.
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Find out how your attachment is affecting your romantic relationships, friendships and professional relations in your life.
Best wishes,
Charlie.
Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need.
We don’t need to hurt.
#relationship expert
