Are you missing them… or the version of them your mind created?
It doesn’t start with the pain. It starts with the illusion.
At first, they made you feel special, chosen, safe. Maybe they were charming, magnetic, or deeply connected to you in ways that felt irreplaceable. By the time things started to shift, when you found yourself explaining more, apologizing more, questioning yourself more, you were already hooked.
Now, in the aftermath, your mind is filtering the pain out and highlighting only the best moments. The laughter, the deep conversations, the way they made you feel at the beginning.
And that’s why you feel stuck.
Because right now, your brain is playing tricks on you.
We create an illusion of the “Perfect” Ex
When we lose someone, our memory protects us by romanticizing the past. It clings to the high points and erases the lows, especially when we’re in pain.
But let’s pause for a second.
Be honest with yourself…
Were you truly being heard, or were you constantly trying to explain yourself?
Did you feel emotionally safe, or were you walking on eggshells?
Were you being loved, or were you always earning it?
Pain can cloud reality. It can make you chase an illusion—one that doesn’t actually exist anymore (or maybe never really did).
This is exactly how narcissists and emotionally unavailable partners keep people hooked. They know how to behave.
They’re not out of control. They’re not unaware of their actions.
They choose when to access control.
They choose who to show it to.
In public, they shine, charming, charismatic, adored.
At home, behind closed doors, the mask falls.
They need control, of people, of situations, of emotions. Whether that control is real or just perceived, it gives them a sense of superiority. Without it, they feel weak. And to them, weakness is unacceptable.
One moment, they’re loving. The next, you’re walking on eggshells.
One moment, they’re making you feel seen. The next, they’re ripping you apart, then blaming you for reacting.
And when it’s over? You’re left chasing the person they pretended to be.
What if you’re not actually missing them?
but the part of yourself you saw in them?
Think about it.
The things you loved about them, was it their confidence? Their kindness? Their drive?
Was it how they made you feel alive? Seen? Inspired?
Now ask yourself:
Do I actually need them to have these things?
Or do I just need to start nurturing them in myself?
This is called the Golden Shadow Effect, the realization that sometimes, we’re not longing for the person. We’re longing for the parts of ourselves that they reflected back to us.
And that’s the real work, bringing those parts back.
Not for them.
Not for anyone else.
But for you.
It’s time to stop chasing the past.
From my survival guide to yours, this is why I created the Free 𝗦𝗢𝗦 𝟭𝟬 𝗧𝗶𝗽 𝗦𝘂𝗿𝘃𝗶𝘃𝗮𝗹 𝗞𝗶𝘁 to help you process, reframe, and finally move forward, so you can stop feeling stuck in the cycle of missing them as long as I did.
Download your free SOS Kit here, and I’ll send it straight to you.
You don’t have to figure this out alone, I’m here to help.
Charlie X
Psychologist & Relationship Therapist
Whether you want to use the term psychologist, psychotherapist or coach, whichever makes you feel more comfortable in helping to tackle the relationship with yourself and others I am an online relationship therapist which can help you understand behaviours which may be effecting your marriage, relationship or dating habits. Whether you need a couples therapist for couples therapy, navigating marital issues, affairs or divorce. I’m here.
Get in touch and book your 20minute discovery call.
Best wishes,
Charlie.
Psychologist, Therapist, Coach based in Dubai providing global online therapy to those in need.
We don’t need to hurt.
#relationship expert
